How to have the sex talk with your kids- Age-Appropriate conversation starters

Do you struggle with how to talk about “the sex talk” with your kids? You are not alone.

You can take the next step with these three powerful conversation starters for any age.

Believe it or not, the “Sex Talk” isn’t just about sex. 

It starts with creating a safe space. It starts with building trust, comfortability and open communication. These convo starters are about building that.

3 TIPS FOR SUCCESS

*As a reminder, I am not a doctor or in the medical field. I am sharing my thoughts and experiences based on interviews of over 40 women.

1. Stay Calm. If they come to you about anything, that’s amazing. Don’t scare or scold or shame them. Leave your feelings outside.

2. You may not know the answers. That is normal and ok. Tell them, “you know what, I don’t know but I’ll find out and we can talk about this then, ok?”

3. Reassure them as early as 2, you can tell me anything and I promise I will not get bad. I will love you no matter what you tell me.

3RD GRADE & BELOW

Always start with questions, see what they know, see where their mind is at, as that will dictate the details of your answers!

• Use a show where someone kisses or hugs and they go ewww. “When grown-ups are in a relationship and really love each other and both agree, we sometimes kiss and hug each other to show our love. It doesn’t matter if you like a man or a woman (if you agree with this), if you really love each other and agree, it’s a way to show love. Does that make sense?”

• You catch your child touching themselves. “It’s ok.  Touching yourself is totally normal. It’s normal to want to explore yourself. Just make sure to do it in private, by yourself, ensure that your hands are clean and if anything feels different or weird or uncomfortable, you can tell me and we can figure it out!” 

• They ask what a word is that they heard at school from a friend, like “69”. “Thanks for asking me about this. What do you think it is? That’s not really something kids should talk about like that. It’s something sexual that only grown-ups do, who both agree to do it, since it involves our private parts.” What if they say, “they said it’s when you suck each other’s privates?” At this point, they comprehend and get it, so stay calm and say, “That’s basically right, but again, it’s for adults who both agree to do it. I promise we can talk about this when you are a bit older and have more questions, ok?” What if they say, “why would you do that? eww.” You can calmly say, “For adults, it can feel good. When you are older, we will talk a lot more about this, ok? Thank you again for asking me.”

4TH THRU 8TH GRADE

• Your child is about to take sex ed class in school. “Do you know anyone at your school who already does that? What do you think of that? You’ll mostly learn about the body, the vagina and penis and how babies are made through sex. They may also talk about sexuality and remember, we love you no matter who you love (if you agree with this). Do you know how that happens?” Let’s say they say yes, then say, “Sex is done between two adults that both agree and consent to do it. Sometimes you hear about teens doing it and we want you to wait as long as you can (or insert whatever rule/idea you have). The reason why is because you need to be able to advocate for what you want and not be pressured. For example, you are uncomfortable even going up to your teacher and asking a question (or give another example), as you get older and more mature, you will be able to say what you want and not get influenced by others. You’ll hear about sex so much and it’s portrayed as cool. To have sex to just have sex, sometimes leaves you feeling bad because it is something special. You want to know that the person you chose values, respects, appreciates and loves you. What do you think of that?”

• Your child tells you they want a boyfriend. “I remember that feeling. Why do you want a boyfriend? What does having a bf mean to you? (sometimes they just want the label and someone to hang out with, if you can tell it’s more than that, then I’d push a bit more). What happens when people are boyfriend and girlfriend? What do you think boys think when they are in a relationship? Sometimes they will want to hold hands, are you ready for that? Sometimes they will want to kiss, are you ready for that? Sometimes they will try to feel your vagina, are you ready for that? Why do you think you are?”

• You’ve never brought up masturbation with your daughter. “I want to talk to you about something that I haven’t brought up before. I know you know what masturbation is, and I want you to know that’s ok. I did it when I was younger and sometimes still do it. It’s completely normal and I don’t want you to feel like it’s shameful for girls because we’ve never talked about it and you don’t hear much about it compared to boys, ok?”

HIGH SCHOOL

• Your daughter tells you she really likes a boy. “What is it about him that you like? Do you have a picture? I’d love to see him. Liking boys is totally normal and it’s normal to think about them and secretly stalk them (make it funny). At this age (depending if you have a dating rule), your priorities are XYZ, right? This is what you told me you want to do and focus on. Having a boyfriend is a big commitment and will interupt those priorities. So it’s ok to be his friend, but it cannot be more than that right now. Do you understand why?” 

• You find porn on their phone/computer. “Hey listen, I saw porn on your phone the other day. I just want you to know it’s totally ok and normal. I get your curious. I know your friends probably talk about it and watch it too. I just want you to know that those are actors and they get paid, it’s their jobs. They mostly pretend, especially the women. That is not the reality of sex. Most women don’t automatically feel pleasure like that, they don’t look like that or have sex like that. A lot of porn is for men, so many women are degraded in videos. Does that make sense? Again, it’s ok to watch it, but just always remember that it’s for entertainment only, like Avengers (or whatever their fave superhero/scifi movie is), it’s not real. Do you have any questions?”

• Your daughter is about to go on their first date. “I know this is a big deal for you, it is for me too! I want you to remember three things. One, if you feel uncomfortable, get a weird or off feeling at any time, do not continue the date, no matter what. Text me our code (maybe a heart) and I will immediately call you, make an excuse and pick you up. Two, get to know him. The real him. He should respect you, he should respect us as your parents. He should ask you questions about yourself. He should feel like the luckiest guy that you chose him. If you don’t feel that way or that feeling, then he is not right for you. Three, he may try to kiss you and I want you to really think if you are ready for that. I want you to think first, make sure you want to do it, not because he’s pressuring you. I don’t want you to kiss him, but I am not dumb. What are the three things? Do you have any questions?

My book is far more than a parenting book. My book empowers us, gives us confidence and makes us FEEL. Having uncomfortable conversations with our kids is crucial to their success. 

Check it out here on Amazon or in my TikTok Shop. Share this with other parents and let’s continue to #SpillTheTea